No matter how well, how carefully I will play this game, it will still probably take a miracle to win. I can’t win against your aces, not without skill and more than a handful of luck. You can afford to play the wrong cards every once in a while, perhaps to fool me into confidence. And like the fool I am, I am caught unawares – missives, messages, interactions, etcetera. Suddenly, your arm is around hers, and you are talking about what I imagine are sweet nothings. Meanwhile, I pretend to be happy for her. I laugh, smile, and greet her for her successes; she cannot know about how exactly, and how deeply I feel about her. But deep inside, I constantly look for ways to end my misery.
Unlike the idea of us, you seem so perfect. There is no mutuality in our feelings – I love you as much as you love him, and even more. But that does not even matter; you love him and he loves you. There is no me in that tableau.
I do realize that we are an impossibility, that we would not work out as well as I wish we would. But every time I see him beside you, I can’t stop myself from looking away. I could not bear to watch as you exchange what I believe to be sweet nothings, as he wraps his arms around you. Every single moment you spend with each other is another nail on the coffin of my hopes and dreams, though I am sure most of these encounters, if not all, are innocent. No matter how hard I try, the image of you and him together never fully left my mind. As I would lay myself down to sleep, you both would walk into my dreams to wave a greeting, as if to say, yes, we are what the two of us will never be. And then they would leave as suddenly as they had appeared. But unlike you, my feelings never did depart from me. I would love to find someone else, but I’m not clever enough to fool myself – I would never be able to find your equal.
it ended like half-closed doorways –
we meant to close it but slivers of light
beckoned, hinting at possibilities
of “me” and “you” becoming “we” again.
as I try to enter and return
I feel the door slam in my face
and as suddenly as I had waded in I had
and soon enough I was breathing water
and disappearing from view.
in the blueness of calm waters
there was no one to save;
nobody to pull me out
as everything faded to black.