shifting gears

these days people say i’m moving forward, that i’m good, that i’ve been making good progress. they haven’t seen all the opportunities i’ve passed up on. they haven’t seen all the people that i’ve had to leave behind. they don’t see you, the one that left, the one that got away, the one that didn’t have to leave had this train wreck that is my life didn’t mess things up a year or so ago. they don’t see that, really, i’m moving too fast and i can’t slow down enough.

is it possible to go back? life has no reverse gears. you can only go back by going forward and around, hoping that she’ll be waiting, hoping that maybe she’ll actually meet you halfway. you can only hope that she hasn’t gotten tired of waiting. you can only hope that your memories were enough for her to stay.

maybe it’s too late to pick up those that i’ve left behind or left me. maybe there’s too much space filled with baggage that you won’t find staying to be bearable for long. maybe you’re in someone else’s car, and they’re playing your favorite songs. maybe their songs are now your favorite songs, merely because those songs remind you of that new person in your life.

my friends have their own friends to keep them busy, entertained, loved. i feel that my circle is shrinking, slowly but almost surely. i’m losing them to jobs, studies, and time itself. i sometimes think that nothing i do makes sense because rarely anyone stays. no one wants to ride shotgun (long-term, that is) and change the songs to fit the mood and basically make me feel less alone.

i won’t stop hoping and trying though.

please wait for me, all of you.

i’ll come back to pick you up.

thank you.

 

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